Saturday, September 10, 2016


through the small house
wailing, moaning
never ceasing

shrieked as it flew from
room to room
swirling to fill every crevice
and corner
so that it claimed
the space as its own

saturated every wall
contaminated every orifice
of that small house

It was deafening

It filled up the soul
as it howled
It left no room for anything else
It sucked up the air
and poisoned the spirit

consumed all in its path
It demanded center stage
It was the star
It required attention and accolades
It would not be denied

insisted on its way
it mandated recognition
it roared
around and through everything
and grasped anyone in its path
by the throat and
and choked
and would. not. let. go.

She Stayed

She stayed
Even though he teased her about being in a cult
After knowing him for only a few months
After breaking up with a man in a cult
A man she thought she would marry
He teased her
She couldn't catch her breath
It was just a joke

She stayed
Even though the fighting started so soon
The disagreements
the accusations that his work schedule
did not meet her "expectations"

She stayed
Even though he did not challenge her intellectually
he was still a "good man"
he still wanted the same things in life as she did
or... so she thought

She stayed
Even though she sat
in a microscopic cubicle
in a remote building in a large city
staring out the window
and a flood of clarity
shook her to the core
and the words left her mouth
out loud - for only her to hear
"I cannot marry him"

She stayed
Even though he proposed
while she was doubled over with cramps
even though she could not dream of driving up
to the end of the street to see the city lights as was his plan
even though he simply handed her the box
even though he did not say the words
even though it was completely wrong

She stayed
even though she asked him on the drive home
"but what about our problems"
and he replied that he hoped we would change
and she asked, "but what if we don't"
and he could only say he hoped we did
and she knew then that it was not a solid foundation
on which to build a life
and yet..... they did....

She stayed
even though there were tears
and tears
and tears

She stayed
even though he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her down
the stairs
and she was scared

She stayed
even though
he stormed out from the bedroom
to grab her by the throat and choke her
while she held the screaming baby
and she screamed she would call the police
and later....
and later... her baby boy asked her why
why would she call the police?

She stayed
even though his anger flared up every few months
and she had to sit through his tirade of accusations
2 and 3 hour lectures of "what you fail to understand" and
"what you don't get" and a multitude of other
indictments of her failings

She stayed
even though
he threw things
and broke things
and made holes in the walls
and upended things
and the children cried

She stayed
even though she tried to see things from his perspective
and agreed that she needed to be better
and agreed that she was not meeting his needs
and agreed that she needed to improve
and agreed that she had failed him,
made lists and promises to herself to step up
and be a better partner and wife and mother
but..... always seemed to come up short

She stayed
even though
he reached out and slapped their daughter
even though he hit his son and used him
as a verbal whipping post
belittling comments
highlighting his shortcomings
never dreaming to offer words of praise
even though their daughter simply wrote him off
even though their son pretended not to care
that his father always put him down
even though the children so desperately
wanted their father
but he could not be there for them

She stayed
even though
there was no longer contact
physical or otherwise, unless necessary
unless it was more verbal abuse
even though it was HER FAULT
that the physical relationship died
even though it was HER FAULT
that he no longer reached for her
even though human contact
did not exist

She stayed
even though
she knew she should leave
even though she was made to believe
she was to blame
even though she knew better

She stayed
because she thought it was best
for the children
not knowing that sometimes
it was a more powerful message
to show that you had enough love
and respect for yourself and them
to not put up with an unhealthy situation
than to simply stay

She stayed
even though it was always
someone else's fault
even though "I'm sorry" was
rarely uttered
even though
empathy was a foreign concept

She stayed
even though communication failed and
there was nothing left but SILENCE

She stayed
through the heartache
through the tears
through the fights
through the lectures and put downs
through the silence
through the head shaking
through the audible sighs
through the rolling eyes
through the lack of response
through the emotional absence
through the loneliness and fear
through the worry
through the pain
through the despair

She stayed...........

But now,
she. MIGHT. not...