The SILENCE
screamed
through the small house
wailing, moaning
never ceasing
The SILENCE
shrieked as it flew from
room to room
swirling to fill every crevice
and corner
so that it claimed
the space as its own
The SILENCE
saturated every wall
contaminated every orifice
of that small house
It was deafening
blaring
penetrating
suffocating
It filled up the soul
as it howled
It left no room for anything else
It sucked up the air
and poisoned the spirit
The SILENCE
consumed all in its path
It demanded center stage
It was the star
It required attention and accolades
It would not be denied
The SILENCE
insisted on its way
it mandated recognition
it roared
around and through everything
and grasped anyone in its path
by the throat and
squeezed
and choked
and would. not. let. go.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
She Stayed
She stayed
Even though he teased her about being in a cult
After knowing him for only a few months
After breaking up with a man in a cult
A man she thought she would marry
He teased her
She couldn't catch her breath
It was just a joke
She stayed
Even though the fighting started so soon
The disagreements
the accusations that his work schedule
did not meet her "expectations"
She stayed
Even though he did not challenge her intellectually
he was still a "good man"
he still wanted the same things in life as she did
or... so she thought
She stayed
Even though she sat
in a microscopic cubicle
in a remote building in a large city
staring out the window
and a flood of clarity
shook her to the core
and the words left her mouth
out loud - for only her to hear
"I cannot marry him"
She stayed
Even though he proposed
while she was doubled over with cramps
even though she could not dream of driving up
to the end of the street to see the city lights as was his plan
even though he simply handed her the box
even though he did not say the words
even though it was completely wrong
She stayed
even though she asked him on the drive home
"but what about our problems"
and he replied that he hoped we would change
and she asked, "but what if we don't"
and he could only say he hoped we did
and she knew then that it was not a solid foundation
on which to build a life
and yet..... they did....
She stayed
even though there were tears
and tears
and tears
She stayed
even though he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her down
the stairs
and she was scared
She stayed
even though
he stormed out from the bedroom
to grab her by the throat and choke her
while she held the screaming baby
and she screamed she would call the police
and later....
and later... her baby boy asked her why
why would she call the police?
She stayed
even though his anger flared up every few months
and she had to sit through his tirade of accusations
2 and 3 hour lectures of "what you fail to understand" and
"what you don't get" and a multitude of other
indictments of her failings
She stayed
even though
he threw things
and broke things
and made holes in the walls
and upended things
and the children cried
She stayed
even though she tried to see things from his perspective
and agreed that she needed to be better
and agreed that she was not meeting his needs
and agreed that she needed to improve
and agreed that she had failed him,
made lists and promises to herself to step up
and be a better partner and wife and mother
but..... always seemed to come up short
She stayed
even though
he reached out and slapped their daughter
even though he hit his son and used him
as a verbal whipping post
belittling comments
highlighting his shortcomings
never dreaming to offer words of praise
even though their daughter simply wrote him off
even though their son pretended not to care
that his father always put him down
even though the children so desperately
wanted their father
but he could not be there for them
She stayed
even though
there was no longer contact
physical or otherwise, unless necessary
unless it was more verbal abuse
even though it was HER FAULT
that the physical relationship died
even though it was HER FAULT
that he no longer reached for her
even though human contact
did not exist
She stayed
even though
she knew she should leave
even though she was made to believe
she was to blame
even though she knew better
She stayed
because she thought it was best
for the children
not knowing that sometimes
it was a more powerful message
to show that you had enough love
and respect for yourself and them
to not put up with an unhealthy situation
than to simply stay
She stayed
even though it was always
someone else's fault
even though "I'm sorry" was
rarely uttered
even though
empathy was a foreign concept
She stayed
even though communication failed and
there was nothing left but SILENCE
She stayed
through the heartache
through the tears
through the fights
through the lectures and put downs
through the silence
through the head shaking
through the audible sighs
through the rolling eyes
through the lack of response
through the emotional absence
through the loneliness and fear
through the worry
through the pain
through the despair
She stayed...........
But now,
now.....
she. MIGHT. not...
Even though he teased her about being in a cult
After knowing him for only a few months
After breaking up with a man in a cult
A man she thought she would marry
He teased her
She couldn't catch her breath
It was just a joke
She stayed
Even though the fighting started so soon
The disagreements
the accusations that his work schedule
did not meet her "expectations"
She stayed
Even though he did not challenge her intellectually
he was still a "good man"
he still wanted the same things in life as she did
or... so she thought
She stayed
Even though she sat
in a microscopic cubicle
in a remote building in a large city
staring out the window
and a flood of clarity
shook her to the core
and the words left her mouth
out loud - for only her to hear
"I cannot marry him"
She stayed
Even though he proposed
while she was doubled over with cramps
even though she could not dream of driving up
to the end of the street to see the city lights as was his plan
even though he simply handed her the box
even though he did not say the words
even though it was completely wrong
She stayed
even though she asked him on the drive home
"but what about our problems"
and he replied that he hoped we would change
and she asked, "but what if we don't"
and he could only say he hoped we did
and she knew then that it was not a solid foundation
on which to build a life
and yet..... they did....
She stayed
even though there were tears
and tears
and tears
She stayed
even though he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her down
the stairs
and she was scared
She stayed
even though
he stormed out from the bedroom
to grab her by the throat and choke her
while she held the screaming baby
and she screamed she would call the police
and later....
and later... her baby boy asked her why
why would she call the police?
She stayed
even though his anger flared up every few months
and she had to sit through his tirade of accusations
2 and 3 hour lectures of "what you fail to understand" and
"what you don't get" and a multitude of other
indictments of her failings
She stayed
even though
he threw things
and broke things
and made holes in the walls
and upended things
and the children cried
She stayed
even though she tried to see things from his perspective
and agreed that she needed to be better
and agreed that she was not meeting his needs
and agreed that she needed to improve
and agreed that she had failed him,
made lists and promises to herself to step up
and be a better partner and wife and mother
but..... always seemed to come up short
She stayed
even though
he reached out and slapped their daughter
even though he hit his son and used him
as a verbal whipping post
belittling comments
highlighting his shortcomings
never dreaming to offer words of praise
even though their daughter simply wrote him off
even though their son pretended not to care
that his father always put him down
even though the children so desperately
wanted their father
but he could not be there for them
She stayed
even though
there was no longer contact
physical or otherwise, unless necessary
unless it was more verbal abuse
even though it was HER FAULT
that the physical relationship died
even though it was HER FAULT
that he no longer reached for her
even though human contact
did not exist
She stayed
even though
she knew she should leave
even though she was made to believe
she was to blame
even though she knew better
She stayed
because she thought it was best
for the children
not knowing that sometimes
it was a more powerful message
to show that you had enough love
and respect for yourself and them
to not put up with an unhealthy situation
than to simply stay
She stayed
even though it was always
someone else's fault
even though "I'm sorry" was
rarely uttered
even though
empathy was a foreign concept
She stayed
even though communication failed and
there was nothing left but SILENCE
She stayed
through the heartache
through the tears
through the fights
through the lectures and put downs
through the silence
through the head shaking
through the audible sighs
through the rolling eyes
through the lack of response
through the emotional absence
through the loneliness and fear
through the worry
through the pain
through the despair
She stayed...........
But now,
now.....
she. MIGHT. not...
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Presage
That heaviness that settles in
when the waning days of summer arrive
was here
It lands deep in the pit of my stomach
It hangs in a thick layer in the air above my head
A fitting ending to a summer I choose to forget
A summer filled with tears
A summer consumed with fear
A summer immersed in uncertainty
Long, silent days filled with overthinking
A quiet house that screamed with loneliness, isolation, distress
Minutes filled with pointless efforts
Late nights filled with escapeism
pretended productivity
so much wasted time - lost now
I have held my breath for so long now,
I scarcely remember how to inhale, relax, laugh
I am afraid - strong, enduring, resilient - but afraid
I swim through the heaviness to bed
pretending at gratitude
dreading the dawn
Quote of the day: Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
when the waning days of summer arrive
was here
It lands deep in the pit of my stomach
It hangs in a thick layer in the air above my head
A fitting ending to a summer I choose to forget
A summer filled with tears
A summer consumed with fear
A summer immersed in uncertainty
Long, silent days filled with overthinking
A quiet house that screamed with loneliness, isolation, distress
Minutes filled with pointless efforts
Late nights filled with escapeism
pretended productivity
so much wasted time - lost now
I have held my breath for so long now,
I scarcely remember how to inhale, relax, laugh
I am afraid - strong, enduring, resilient - but afraid
I swim through the heaviness to bed
pretending at gratitude
dreading the dawn
Quote of the day: Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Heartsick
My throat constricted every time I passed his room. The neatly made bed. The clean floor. The silence. I missed my son - fiercely. I knew he would be back - Lord willing. But nothing was the same here without him. I missed that bedroom floor strewn with shoes which I was forever telling him to pick up. I missed the empty chip bag laying next to the trash can rather than in it. I missed the cacophony of noises coming from the TV or the video game or, best of all, my son's infectious laugh as he scrolled through his social media sites or watched ridiculous videos on his phone. I missed him asking me to take him to the mall or to get a smoothie. I especially missed his goodnight kiss - a ritual he and I still clung to no matter that he would soon be 16.I sobbed at the airport as I put him on a plane by himself - off on a month-long summer venture to Michigan where he would spend time at a basketball camp and then visiting various family members. He had never been away for any length of time - and now here he was having to navigate airports alone, keeping track of his things, remembering to take his medicine... with no parent trailing him to be sure he was OK and responsible.
I'm now halfway through the month without him. It has not gotten any easier for me. I know he is fine and that family is with him. I know he is having fun. I know it is a good experience for him to be away and learning to take care of himself. But that doesn't help my heart from longing to have him safely back with me. It does not help my soul from needing to see him, laugh with him, hug him.
His absence has left a huge emptiness in my home this summer. I am distracted, sad, unproductive. It does not help that in a month I will be taking my daughter away to college and will have to experience these feelings all over again...only permanently. I am not ready to let my children go. I know I have to - but I am not ready. I feel lost. All I ever wanted to be was a mother and I have reveled in this role - I have enjoyed every moment - good and bad. I know I am still going to be their mother. But it will be so very different as they begin to step out on their own. Who am I, then? What is my purpose if they no longer need me on a daily basis?
I will miss my son's 16th birthday this year as he will be gone still. He will miss Father's Day, his sister's 18th birthday and the Fourth of July. Nothing is right...for me anyway. Tears flow unexpectedly. I attempt to fill my days with busywork. Not much helps. I do not like this season of life.
My throat constricts as I pass by his room - so neat, so tidy, so empty. I miss my son.
Quote for the day: How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
~ Winnie the Pooh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)